He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
