tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
