I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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