i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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