my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
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