she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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