I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
