Do you still have your period?
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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