considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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