There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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