I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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