man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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