I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
