I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
