When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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