Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I look excited, but its just a facade.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
