Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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