at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Never underestimate the power of titties
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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