just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
