filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I have aggressive nipples.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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