You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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