It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
