I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize