You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
