you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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