I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
