that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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