i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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