Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
