i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
