So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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