ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
