Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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