Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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