Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize