I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
