Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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