I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
