I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
