She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
