We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Randomize
