I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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