He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
