Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
