forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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