If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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