some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
