new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Randomize
