I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
