She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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