I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
