Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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