Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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