I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
