His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
