I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
