I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
