Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
