he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
