she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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